[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys