My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?