Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
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I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected