[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.