ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Just ordered me some pizza!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.