My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
@ candidates for local office
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit