Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky