Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I can’t stop watching this.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Selfie
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I have so many questions.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.