I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I told my vodka about you.