#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago