No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Those are good neighbors.