i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
You Might Also Like
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.