DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
that de-escalated quickly
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.