I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.