Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.