I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.