Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol