[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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Bike for sale
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Skills
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
They’re stuck in your pants?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.