Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.