Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
awkward
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…