Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
You Might Also Like
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship