Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Love this guy
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did