The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I falcon love using swear birds
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.