Just a phase…
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Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.