Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
where do you see yourself in five years?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.