Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets