Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.