I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Just a friendly reminder!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.