My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Where’s my employee discount too?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.