I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
i’m still crying at this
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.