Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
my mind
You just read my mind
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.