the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Yup
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.