I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Just a phase…
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me