reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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im 7 sauces long
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
What
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
new wife guy just dropped
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.