interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before