Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Happy thanksgiving!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures