A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
This probably isn’t good
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.