Canada has crack?
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast