“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.