how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.