Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Meanwhile in Canada…
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.