Alexa; make it look like an accident
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Wikigenius
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA