Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.