I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Choose your fighter
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️