I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…