The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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how much for the angry fruit?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.