PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Just as the prophecy foretold
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.