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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”