Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.