People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The best shot in the history of golf
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
This could be us… but you playing
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro